About Michelle Inder — Beyond Bare Minimum

About Michelle

How does a Chartered Accountant end up specialising in trauma bonds, attachment wounds, emotionally destructive relationships and the nervous system? It certainly wasn't part of the plan.

This work found me.

This work found me through nearly three decades of repeating relationship patterns I didn't yet understand, followed by years of searching for answers.

Ten years ago, I found myself sitting in a therapist's office asking: "Why do I keep ending up with emotionally unavailable and narcissistic men when I've done so much work on myself?"

She looked at me and simply said, "No... no, you haven't."

It dawned on me that I'd spent years in and out of therapy, but I'd only just scratched the surface. I'd only ever talked about what was happening in my life at the time and had no interest in exploring the past because I didn't believe it had anything to do with the relationships I was choosing as an adult. That conversation changed the direction of my life.

Over the following years, I immersed myself in personal development and retrained in Neuro-Linguistic Programming, coaching, breakthrough work and energy healing. I genuinely believed I was healing. I believed I was finally doing the work. Yet I still felt stuck in many areas of my life and, despite everything I was learning, I was still attracting emotionally unavailable and manipulative men. It would take many more years before I understood why.

Looking back, I can now see the pattern.

My first serious relationship in my early twenties was abusive.

Afterwards, I married a kind, dependable man who was the complete opposite of my father. Deep down, I knew he wasn't the right person for me, but I remember thinking, "He's the first man who's ever treated you well. Why wouldn't you marry him?"

So I did.

Looking back, I can see I ignored my intuition because I believed it was what I should do. I eventually sabotaged the relationship, but at the time I had no understanding of the deeper patterns that had brought me there.

The years that followed brought emotionally unavailable relationships and friendships marked by chaos, betrayal and manipulation. And in all of those situations, I became the fixer.

Trying to fix a family that was never mine to fix gradually became my full-time, unpaid job.

Life became far more complicated.

The relationship that would ultimately change the course of my life began with a six-month friendship. I believed I knew who he was and, while there were red flags I now recognise clearly, I overrode them because I trusted the person I thought I knew.

Almost overnight, I stepped into an instant family and a high-conflict co-parenting dynamic.

I suddenly found myself trying to make sense of dysfunctional family systems and behaviours I'd never witnessed before. So I threw myself into learning, discovering concepts I'd never even heard of before — parental alienation, parallel parenting, coercive control, narcissistic abuse and emotionally destructive relationship dynamics.

The more I learnt, the more I realised I needed to understand. I trained in narcissistic abuse, somatic trauma healing, attachment and the nervous system — not because I was planning a new career, but because I was desperately trying to make sense of the world I had found myself living in.

At the same time, I became deeply devoted to the children. Protecting them, supporting them and trying to create stability for them became one of the driving forces behind so many of the decisions I made. Trying to fix a family that was never mine to fix gradually became my full-time, unpaid job.

I was attached to who I believed he could become, rather than accepting who he consistently showed me he was.

The more I tried, the worse it became.

Meanwhile, the relationship itself became increasingly destructive. The more I tried to understand him, support him and find ways for us to repair the relationship, the worse the dynamics became.

My world became smaller. My voice became smaller. I stopped recognising the woman looking back at me in the mirror.

My health deteriorated. My doctor warned me I was heading towards severe burnout, and physically I looked as though I'd aged ten years in three.

I knew I had to leave. What I couldn't understand was why I didn't.

Every time I reached the point where I was ready to leave, another crisis would arise and I found myself putting his immediate needs ahead of my own. I was also still desperately hoping that one day something would finally sink in — that he would hear me, recognise the impact of his behaviour, and choose to play a role in creating a healthier relationship.

When I finally left, I genuinely believed the hardest part was over. It wasn't.

Leaving wasn't the end of the story.

I wasn't only grieving the relationship. I was grieving the man I believed was my best friend, the children I'd devoted myself to, the friendships I'd built, and the future I'd spent years believing I was creating.

Because of the trauma bond and how deeply our lives had become entangled, the breakup was slow and far from straightforward.

It was only later, just as I was beginning to trust my intuition again, that further betrayal came to light, completely changing my understanding of the final months of the relationship and the long, complicated breakup that followed.

I found myself processing an entirely new layer of grief, betrayal and loss.

Healing wasn't about getting over a breakup. It meant rebuilding an entire life — and, in many ways, rebuilding myself from the ground up.

Today, my life looks very different.

Not because I've reached some perfect destination, but because the foundations beneath my life have completely changed.

I trust myself. I recognise the patterns that once kept me stuck. My relationships are different. The choices I make are different.

Healing hasn't been a destination. It's been an ongoing process of growth, self-awareness and continually peeling back the layers.

That lived experience, combined with extensive professional training, shapes every aspect of the way I support the women who choose to work with me.

Because I don't just understand what happened in emotionally destructive relationships. I understand how women slowly lose themselves within them.

And I know what's possible when they begin rebuilding self-trust, choosing themselves, and becoming the woman they were always meant to be — a woman who knows her worth, trusts herself completely, and never again settles for less than she deserves.

Training & Qualifications

Somatic Trauma-Informed Coach

Narcissistic Abuse Specialist

Domestic Abuse & Coercive Control Practitioner

200-hour Yoga Teacher

Integrated NLP Coach

Huna Level 4 Practitioner

Master Practitioner of Neuro-Linguistic Programming, & Mental and Emotional Release

Brand Partner — The Mental Wellbeing Company

Bachelor of Commerce, majoring in Accounting — proof that it's never too late to completely reinvent yourself 😄

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